Soul-level Friendships with Believers

by | Posted February 17th at 12:56am

In Reformed and Evangelical theology, the question of “friendship” is often split between common grace (kindness toward all) and special grace (the spiritual union between believers).

While few theologians argue for total isolation from non-believers, many emphasize that “soul-level” friendship (man/man, woman/woman) should be reserved for those who are born again, and “intimate” friendships (man/woman) for married couples only.

1. John MacArthur: The Principle of Separation

John MacArthur’s view, while he was with us, was heavily rooted in the concept of sanctification and the warning against “unequally yoked” (2 Corinthians 6:14). Though this text primarily is applied to marriage, it can also be applied to all non-marital friendships. John was one of the most beloved and respected preachers who started the Master’s Academy.

• Influence of Character: MacArthur frequently taught that since the goal of the Christian life is Christ-likeness, your closest associates must share that goal. He often cites 1 Corinthians 15:33: “Bad company corrupts good morals.”
• Theological Value: For MacArthur, the value of born-again friendships lies in their protective role. John taught that a believer’s primary mission is holiness; worldly friendships are seen as a potential “drag” on one’s spiritual trajectory. He viewed friendship as an influence loop in which you either become like your friends or they become like you.

2. Joel Beeke: The Experiential Perspective

As a leading voice in Puritan and Reformed studies, Joel Beeke focuses on Experiential Christianity. This is the idea that theology isn’t just in the head, but felt in the heart.

• Communion of Saints: Beeke emphasizes the Heidelberg Catechism’s view on the “communion of saints.” He argues that true friendship requires a shared “spiritual language.”
• Theological Value: The value here is mutual edification. To Beeke, a friend who is not born again cannot “watch over your soul.” He advocates “holy fellowships” in which friends hold each other accountable for experimental godliness. Without a shared rebirth, the deepest part of your identity remains a mystery to your friend.

3. General Reformed Theology: Two Kingdoms and Covenant

Broader Reformed theology (from Calvin to modern thinkers) looks at this through the lens of Covenantal Life.

• The Corporate Identity: In the Reformed tradition, the “born again” individual is part of the Body of Christ. Therefore, friendships within the church are seen as an extension of the family of God.
• Common Grace vs. Special Grace: Reformed theologians often acknowledge “Common Grace” friendships—shared interests in work, art, or hobbies with non-believers. However, they distinguish these from “Special Grace” friendships, which are centred on the Gospel.

Comparative Table: Friendship Priorities

The Theological Core: “The Third Party”

The underlying theological value across these views is that a Christian friendship is not a duo, but a triangle with the inclusion of Christ and His Spirit mediating the relationship.

In this model, the “born again” status is valuable because it allows God to mediate the friendship. If one person does not know God, the triangle is broken, and the friendship is limited to the horizontal, temporal plane (interests, humour, history), which can introduce the dark side rather than the vertical, eternal plane (grace, conviction, sanctification, holiness, prayer).

Summary: The theological value is not about being “elitist,” but about spiritual synergy. If the Holy Spirit lives in both friends, the friendship becomes a means of grace that helps both parties reach heaven.

Part 2: Caution of Men and Women interacting outside of marriage

Further Study:

• Baxter: Richard Baxter, A Christian Directory (London: Robert White, 1673), Part II, Chap. X, 563.
• Beeke: Joel R. Beeke, Living for God’s Glory: An Introduction to the Reformed Faith (Lake Mary, FL: Reformation Trust Publishing, 2008), 324-326.
• Owen: John Owen, The Works of John Owen, ed. William H. Goold, vol. 13 (Edinburgh: T&T Clark, 1850), 45-47.

Article posted by Glen R. Jackman, founder of GraceProclaimed.org

Glen has optimized his eldership role to teach the full scope of the New Covenant of Jesus Christ without boundaries.
You can read his testimony.