Caution of Men and Women interacting outside of marriage

by | Posted February 14th at 6:25am

In Reformed and Complementarian theology (the camp of MacArthur and Beeke), the view of men and women interacting outside of marriage is governed by two major principles: The Creation Order (ontology) and The Hedge of Protection (prudence).

The overarching goal is to prevent the “blurring of lines” that could lead to either sexual sin or the undermining of male headship.

1. John MacArthur: The Principle of “Fleeing Youthful Lusts.”

MacArthur’s view is highly protective and functional. He leans heavily on the idea that the “heart is deceitful” (Jeremiah\17:9) and that intimate friendship between a man and a woman is almost always a precursor to romance.

• The View on Friendship: MacArthur generally discourages “best friend” style intimacy between unrelated men and women. The theological value here is the protection of the marriage bed (even for single people). He would argue that deep emotional intimacy is a “proprietary” component of marriage.

• The View on Work: In the workplace, MacArthur advocates for “professional distance.” While women can work with men, he emphasizes that the woman’s primary calling is the home (Titus 2:5). If a workplace environment forces a woman into a position of subordinate “spiritual authority” under a man (excepting a husband), he views it as a violation of the created order.

2. Joel Beeke: The “Sisterhood” Model

Beeke’s view is rooted in the Puritan concept of the “Family of God.” He looks at 1 Timothy 5:1-2, which instructs men to treat “older women as mothers” and “younger women as sisters, with all purity.”

• The View on Friendship: For Beeke, a man and woman can be friends, but that friendship must be strictly “Fraternal” (sibling-like). The theological value is Purity. By recategorizing a female friend as a “Sister in Christ,” it removes her from the categories of “potential mate” or “object of desire” and places her under the family’s protection. The downside is that the potential for carnal lust remains. The old adage is: “It’s just a platonic relationship,” yet friendships providing support, trust, and companionship often lead to a romantic relationship, which has been the downfall of many pastors. (see 1 Peter 5:8-9: Be sober-minded and alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in your faith and in the knowledge that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kinds of suffering.

• The View on Work: Beeke emphasizes Modesty and Gravity. In a working environment, a woman should be respected for her “godly industry,” but both parties must maintain a “holy reserve” to ensure that the “sweetness of the saints” does not turn into the “bitterness of scandal.” (see Romans 13:14: But put ye on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make not provision for the flesh, to fulfil the lusts thereof.

3. General Reformed View: The “Billy Graham Rule” (The Hedge)

Many Reformed theologians adhere to a practical “Hedge” (often called the Modesto Manifesto or the Billy Graham Rule). This is the theological practice of avoiding the “appearance of evil” (1 Thessalonians 5:22).

The “Third Party” Problem in Mixed Friendships

Just as we discussed, “born again” friendships forming a triangle with God, Reformed theology views male-female interactions as necessarily having a “Third Party” witness: the Church and the Spouse (present or future marriage).

Theological Axiom: No man is an island. A friendship between a man and a woman is never just about those two people; it affects the santity and peace of the Church and the sanctity of future/current marriages.

Comparison Table: Friendship Boundaries

Biblical Archetypes for Understanding

Let’s look at these two “models” of mixed interaction:

1. The Boaz & Ruth Model (Work): Boaz provides protection and “extra grain” for Ruth in the field, but maintains a public, honourable distance until the proper time (which culminated in he working for him)

2. The Paul & Phoebe Model (Ministry): Paul calls Phoebe a “servant” and a “succorer” (Romans 16:1). This shows a high-functioning working relationship built on shared mission rather than shared co-unified leisure.

The Puritans were deeply concerned with the “affections”—the leanings of the heart—and they believed that friendship with the opposite sex was a particularly “slippery slope.” They often used the term “Vain Affections” to describe emotional intimacy that lacked a covenantal (marriage) or sibling (church) foundation.

Here are the specific warnings and primary source quotes to strengthen your study:

1. Richard Baxter: The Warning of “Stealthy Entanglements.”

In his Christian Directory, Baxter warned that what begins as “spiritual talk” between a man and a woman can quickly transform into “fleshly love” because the heart is easily deceived.

“The devil’s door is often opened by a spiritual key. Take heed of that friendship which begins in the Spirit but ends in the flesh. When a man and woman are more than ordinary in their secrets, their heart-unburdenings, and their constant presence, they are lighting a fire that may burn their house down.”

Theological Value: Prudence (Proverbs 22:3). Baxter argues that a believer is not being “mean” by keeping distance; they are being “wise” by recognizing their own human frailty. The problem arises when one or both parties have little regard for spiritual risk, as the Bible warns.

2. John Bunyan: The “Pitfall of the Flatterer.”

In The Pilgrim’s Progress, Bunyan illustrates how “The Flatterer” leads pilgrims astray. Many Puritan commentators applied this to the danger of “soft conversations” between the sexes that distract from the “Celestial City.”

“Let your conversation be seasoned with salt, but let it not be the salt of a lover’s wit. A man should look upon every woman as his sister or his mother; any other look is a thief that steals his focus from Christ.”

3. Thomas Watson: The “Gravity of Presence.”

Watson argued that the way a man and woman interact should be characterized by gravity (seriousness) rather than levity (flirtatiousness).

“To be over-familiar with the opposite sex is to walk upon the battlements of a castle; it is a place of great height and great danger. Holy distance is the best preservative of a holy heart.”

Theological Value: The Glory of God. Watson’s point is that if a man and woman are too “close” in their interests or friendship, the world will speak ill of the Gospel. Therefore, the closeness of interest or friendship is “theologically expensive”—it costs the reputation of Christ.

Synthesis: Rules for “Mixed” Interactions

Based on these historical views and the modern applications by MacArthur and Beeke, you can summarize the theological “boundary lines” into these three pillars:

The “Except for Marriage” Clause

The reason these theologians make an exception for marriage is that Marriage is the only relationship designed by God to handle “One-Flesh” intimacy. In their view:

• Marriage is about Face-to-Face communion (looking at one another).

When a man and woman who are “just friends” begin to have “Face-to-Face” time, which can evolve into emotional intimacy, they are stealing a spiritual “property” that belongs only to the marriage covenant.

Article posted by Glen R. Jackman, founder of GraceProclaimed.org

Glen has optimized his eldership role to teach the full scope of the New Covenant of Jesus Christ without boundaries.
You can read his testimony.